(Dorothy Parker, "Oscar Wilde")
It's not easy being green, but I suspect he'd have a harder time of it if he were fluorescent pink.
--on Kermit's dilemma
Hail Mary, full of grace
With duct tape upon her face
Grant that cords shall never frizz
And a perfect night in old show biz.
--"To Our Lady of Duct Tape", by a friend and I during a production of Arsenic and Old Lace
Shut up, I'm not a botanist in the morning!
--unable to identify a tree
Bill: But you have to be hypnotized! I'm doing the hand thing! ...It worked for Bela Lugosi.
Me: But...Bela Lugosi's DEAD!
OOO! Brightly colored liquids of dubious drinkability!
--regarding then-newly discovered Jones sodas (which are often coloured hues not found in nature)
Nothing is odd. You just don't get out enough.
You know, you're supposed to look under the bed and behind the fridge for things you lose. They never say, 'look under the microwave!'
--on finding the carving fork in an unlikely place
I used to have dreams that meant something. Last night I dreamt the dishes were done. --on mundane existence
Dude in Adv. Drawing: Would it be cheating if I did this on colored paper?
Me: Nothing is cheating!
William Allan [instructor]: Not in art, nothing is cheating.
Cleanse and wash away what's bad
as sure as Scotsmen do wear plaid!
--being silly about a water blessing
Me: I can't understand a thing you're saying.
Jeremy [an ex-boyfriend]: That's because I speak in riddles.
Me: No, it's because you talk to the toilet.
Jeremy [bending over naked]: This is the Death Star!
Me: That's no moon...
Don't dangle your testicles in striking range!
--helpful tip from me to Jeremy
Why do you suppose he's sitting in the kitchen sink? He can't possibly mean literally. But that's what he says: '10:15 on a Saturday night, and the tap drips under the strip light, and I'm sitting in the kitchen sink.' Well, you never know, maybe he does. But, I mean, get the hell out of the sink! What the fuck's wrong with you?
--on Robert Smith's perplexing lyrics
I think 'needlepoint' combined with 'rape and pillage' is called 'acupuncture.'
--combining weekend activities
You want to know about the mirror? Well, a Gangrel is a wolf. A Toreador is a rose. Thus, also, is a Malkavian a mirror. We are magic black mirrors that let you see into the Beyond, into the universe. The crack? Well - you'd think it was in the mirror, that this beautiful mirror you see before you is cracked. But we're like those ATMs you can only read from a certain angle: look at us the right way and you see the crack - not in the mirror, but in the universe. We only reflect that - but most people don't hold us at the right angle.
--in a Malkavian mode
I don't always know which things are Important except by the appearance of that great demon Patience - some things I know they are, and so summon the creature to press it into service; some things I have no way of knowing except by whether Patience shows up for work.
--on my own impatience
I've also been able to use "Pardon me, do you mind if I sniff you? Something smells nice here and I want to find out if it's you" to good effect. I think maybe you have to be a certain level of cute before that will work.
--on pickup lines
Beauty be truth, truth beauty: charm is strange, strangeness is charming, up is down and down is up, because in space, no one can hear you "cha-cha-cha!"
--rambling about quarks and cosmology
Maybe I'm a young wine: not bad, but needs to be shut in an oak barrel for 10 years.
--comparing myself to alcoholic drinks
No time like the present. ... Er.. all time like the present.
--on the nature of time
I don't have a libido that requires its own postal code, is all.
--denying being a prude
Avoid anything where the effective dose is close to the lethal dose.
--on how not to do drugs
There's a little of the chaos mage in everyone who hasn't got a stick up their ass.
But if you still love me then I shall not fear my own insanities. I may be among the mad but that is a product of the interaction of this soul with this body. Maybe it's that... this little body on this little planet is just so far removed from my 'natural state' that I can't quite cope and it comes out in me being all weird an' stuff. AND ALL THIS DAMN GLITTER THAT I KEEP FINDING ALL OVER ME EVEN WHEN I DIDN'T PUT ANY ON THAT DAY! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!
The point at which I will start messing with jobs I hate is when I will starve if I don't.
--on being picky about employment
* Ashkalien grins, and licks Aine's... um... never mind. ;)
Me: Does licking her never mind send her to nirvana?
There's no reason that just because the universe at large is unfair that we should dumbly follow suit.
--on why we should try to be fair
I can't, not in any way that couldn't also be explained as something else entirely. The best proof I have at this distance is your voice, but that could be anything. Even close up you could be an hallucination, but I don't think I'm going to tell the boss about that one. Some secrets you keep. If I tell, they may kick in the anti-psychotics. I prefer the ignorant bliss.
--on proving that Cel exists
Well, if it comes out whiskey, you been drinkin' too much.
--on a friend's potty break one night
It's not education, I'm just blithering. I wonder how many professors would be honest enough to admit that.
--on dispensing trivia
Clearly [he] needs not only a reality check but in fact a reality checkbook.
--on someone being a bastard to a friend
It was based in grains of truth that were swept together and built into some kind of sand castle.
--on stereotypes (here re: South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut)
[She] is not an idiot; she got through college with a stunning GPA. Yippee. Now hire her to do something totally unrelated. Please?
--on what my diploma should have read
I guess we'll burn that village when we pillage it.
--adapting a phrase
Yeah, my stomach can handle [grits]. They're bland and inoffensive. Completely unlike you, in fact, who are neither bland nor inoffensive.
--consuming a friend's grits
We're one big scrappy family.
--on #tirnanoc's interpersonal relations
I always thought maybe "Photographers do it in the dark, but it takes four separate fluids." Or maybe "Photographers do it by exposing themselves."
--adapting popular puns
The whole world is fucked up about sex, you know?
--me Dr. Ruth
What would you smoke if you ran out of dope?
Maybe crack, like when you were sixteen?
Gimme some money, I'll score you some weed
And I'll try to make sure that it's green
--filking the Beatles (what the stress of having to move one apartment to another very quickly will do to you...)
Be thou a meeting place between the pleasant girls of the living and the dread domains of the Naughty Ones.
--filking a circle casting
I don't know what your deal is, but put it back in the pack and reshuffle.
--telling some people to cut it out
Have you ever noticed how car ads are even sexual when they're not? I don't think I want to know about 'sheer power' as the 'rugged 14-gauge steel frame respond[s] to [my] various desires'!
--on a Range Rover ad
Mune: Back. Thank god for Coke.
Me: Er... Coke is god.
Mune: Good tasting god.
Me: Well, it beats communion wafers, yes.
Milk may do a body good, but Jones feeds your soul.
--on my addiction to Jones Soda
Scarcasm: n. a bitter tone appropriate when talking about something that has scarred oneself, but shouldn't have.
--noting a typo from an unhappy friend
From: Albuquerque, NM (ABQ - Albuquerque Intl) / To: Any popular destination
Me: In other words, PLEASE GET ME THE HELL OUT OF ALBUQUERQUE!!
--reading the default values in an expedia.com form
My compliments from me to you on this your most intriguing act; consider, though, this substitute: some smack in place of so much crack!
--Danny-Elfmanizing "put down the crackpipe and take 3 steps back"
Things are only improbable when you try to trace back the chains of causality--then you realize how, cosmically speaking, it is not merely unlikely but actually impossible that you know the people you know, that you ate what you ate for breakfast this morning, and indeed that you exist at all.
--on the phrase "astronomically improbable"
Jeremy: Blow, bitch!
Me: I can't; you're obscuring my nozzle.
--inflating chairs (no, he was not serious in his use of "bitch" here)
The thought that Cel and I might not be together in some sense doesn't make sense. Armed with the knowledge that the universe often doesn't make sense, I go on to state that it doesn't even make nonsense.
--on things unthinkable
In college you hate bureaucracy, in high school you hate oppression; guess which fuels more writing and goofing around?
--on why Lucida 10 (high school zine) was a hit, but Free Firing Neurons (college attempt at reincarnation of it) wasn't
Panic always fuels insight.
--on waiting too long to pick your major
I do not appreciate being manhandled this way. I would much rather be boyhandled.
--on men vs. boys
So lest you think there is no winter in California, there is. It's just not an epidemic.
--on Truckee, a city in the Sierra Nevada which has real winters
Being [on IRC] while trying to work is against my better judgement. However, my worse judgement says "okay, go for it!"
--on pleasure and business at the same time
Stop riding my ass; do I look like a sheep?!
MTNHOBO? No, I don't think so! You wear a suit and carry a cell phone! I'm sorry!
--on an unlikely license plate
It's more of a dimroom, actually. It's where we keep all the dim bulbs.
--on the darkroom
Damn you! why do you have thirty words for everything BUT the stuff I want to talk about! You keep all the synonyms from every language you grew from and it's still not enough! Stupid, stupid bastard child of German and French!
Dan: I'm an odd image to begin with. Vinyl dosn't help the situation.
Me: Vinyl doesn't help a lot of people, yet they persist in wearing it.
If I had to take something home from Ontario, a scar on my shoulder from a brick wall would have been nowhere near the top of the list.
--on an unfortunate wound
Good booze and fantastic sex!
--my summary of Kinvention North in 2000
Misha: Very good, Glasshopper. Now, when you can take these chopsticks from my hands, you will be truly ready to face the world...
Me: [whips out a pair of my own chopsticks] Shove it, Sensei!
I'm not my grandfather, or my father. If I turned out to be, next thing I'd expect is Rod Serling popping his head out of the kitchen cabinet...
--on family moebius strips
I am compelled to state for the record that munchkins are indeed superior to Jar-Jar.
--on strange visions in my head
I wake up, drool into my cereal, and drive bleary-eyed to school.
--me no morning person *grunt*
I'm so much more than a Speak & Spell.
--on making noises when poked
What people normally think of as our national anthem is actually only the first verse of something that rivals Beowulf.
--on "The Star-Spangled Banner"
"Eshari Shines-Like-Purple-PVC-Pants". Uh huh. If you post this to elven-realities, you're so much Canadian bacon.
--threatening Cel about a name he bestowed upon me
Silly Jedi, Trix are for Sith.
--clearly hittin' the crack-pipe
If I snarf a mini-wheat, gimme the Heimlich, 'kay?
--trying to eat cereal and do something hilarious at the same time
In the mental battle between the two, Robert Smith didn't even get honorable mention.
--on how the possibility of visiting Cel somehow made me totally forget the upcoming Cure concert
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth leaves us without depth perception and in need of orthodontics.
I must sleep, not-sleep is the mind-killer, not-sleep is the long day that brings total hallucination...
--in desperate need of a nap
There's no way to say it without sounding a bit silly and awkward. There's no Hallmark card for "I would like to have your penis in my mouth."
--on desiring to perform fellatio
They gave a frost advisory in a lot of SoCal [today]... and I'm like, "frost advisory? you need an advisory for that? high wind advisory, flood advisory, blizzard advisory fine.. but frost? No wonder Canada laughs at us."
--on ridiculous weather warnings
Objects in mirror will phone your insurance company!
--on backing up carefully
I am more empathic than sushi, even if only by virtue of the fact that I am not dead in a Japanese restaurant.
--on my psychic abilities, such as they are(n't)
I guess the moral of the story is, if you’re gonna bomb your school, develop your own pictures.
--on Al deGuzman, a guy who tried to bomb De Anza College in January of 2001
Me: Whatcha get [for Christmas]?
Gord: Socks, underwear, jeans, cash, chocolate.
Me: The five necessities of life...
Gord: Mini-mag from my uncle Gerry.
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