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If at first you don't succeed, give up - no use being a damn fool.


Tact is rubbing out another's mistake instead of rubbing it in.


Home is a place where
When you have to go there
They have to take you in.


"Listen -- some things are worth worrying about. Impending doom is not one of them."

--The Trash Heap, "Boober's Birthday" (Fraggle Rock)

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

--Mae West

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.

--Edgar Allen Poe

We do not seek to convert anyone...only the Elven have any interest in being Elves. Yet in many, their elfin natures slumber and for these we sing the songs of awakening - Whether there ever were Elves is not as important to us as the fact that by manifestation, will, and burning desire, we are here now.

--The Silver Elves

Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.

--Will Rogers

What is hurtful to yourself do not to your fellow man. That is the whole of the Torah and the remainder is but commentary.

--The Talmud

Multicultural literature is great, but I still believe in teaching Dead White Men.

--Susan Enfield, a teacher of mine in high school

Go to school. Learn the system. Change the system. Random bitching gets us nowhere.

--Paul Davis, 9.3 Garamond

A computer terminal is not some clunky old television set with a typewriter in front of it. It is an interface where the mind and the body can connect with the universe and move bits of it around.

--Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

Man who stand on corner with hand in pocket look funny but feel nuts.

On justice and on friendship there is no price. But there are established credit limits."

--The Tick in The Tick, "The Tick vs. Arthur's Bank Account"

I really can't complain about actresses that get paid to be dumb. Most of us can't get paid to be smart.

Listen to the MUSTN'Ts, child,
Listen to the DON'Ts
Listen to the SHOULDN'Ts, the IMPOSSIBLEs, the WON'Ts
Listen to the NEVER HAVEs, then listen close to me...
ANYTHING can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.

--Shel Silverstein, "Listen to the MUSTN'Ts"

The Hell Law says that Hell is reserved exclusively for them that believe in it. Further, the lowest rung in Hell is reserved for them that believe in it on the supposition that they'll go there if they don't.

--The Gospel According to Fred 3:1, Principia Discordia

"It's just a lot of things that don't add up to anything else."
Joel: Oh, trigonometry, of course!

--MST3K, "Master Ninja 2"

When one remembers how the Catholic Church has been governed, and by whom, one realizes that it must have been divinely inspired to have survived at all.

--Hilaire Belloc

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

--William Clayton

"A little nonsense, now and then, is relished by the wisest man."

--Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

"End, begin, all the same. Big change. Sometimes good, sometimes bad."

--Aughra, The Dark Crystal

English, I know you ... you are German with a license to kill.

--Leonard Cohen, French and English

"Anything is possible. Perhaps I have feathers."

--Schmendrick in Peter Beagle, The Last Unicorn

"The universe lies to our senses, and they lie to us....For myself, I trust neither message nor messenger; neither what I am told, nor what I see. There may be truth somewhere, but it never gets down to me."

--Outlaw in Peter Beagle, The Last Unicorn

In art, and in the higher ranges of science, there is a feeling of harmony which underlies all endeavor. There is no true greatness in art or science without the sense of harmony. He who lacks it can never be more than a great technician in either field.

--Albert Einstein

...there is no physical heaven anywhere in the universe. Even ascending at the speed of light, Jesus would still be in the galaxy.

--Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth

There should be less sex in the media and more of it in real life. Sometimes I think the Secret Masters want us to forget what a real kiss is.

--thistle pleeloolalla kachunk

It could be reasonably suggested to the administration that most civilized nations are content with simply killing every last one of their enemies and that there is no compelling reason to have to ionize them.

--Wolf H. Fahrenbach on missile power

People are just about as happy as they decide to be.

--Abraham Lincoln

It's not about "saving the Earth," you ninnies, it's about SAVING OUR ASSES!

--Misha

"The media inspires boredom, not waking up one Monday morning and butchering your kids. That takes something else, man. That takes a whole different kind of inspiration."

--Detective in The Watchmen

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

--Woody Allen

When I think back on all the crap
I learned in high school
It's a wonder I can think at all

--Paul Simon, "Kodachrome"

If the concept of God has any validity or any use, it can only be to make us larger, freer, and more loving. If God cannot do this, then it is time we got rid of Him.

--James Baldwin, "Down at the Cross"

I'd never mistake myself for divine. One trip to the bathroom spoils that whole illusion.

--Miles K. Adams

Vampire culture is something entirely its own, and whilst it has a lot in common with goth interests, particularly in the area of reading matter, it is not to be confused with goth unless you're fond of hospital food.

--Archaeus, "Dictionary of Goth"

Disco satisfied social as well as musical needs. Disco people got to dress up all the time and go to places... where everybody sort of 'looked good' - and later, after an evening of chemical alteration, everybody looked even better, and the next thing they knew, they were getting The Blow Job. Punk, in the late seventies, purported to be a rebellion against that sort of silly behavior. Maniac bands started thrashing away in dingy little places with no decor, developing their own silly behavior. ... New wave evolved from punk, basically, by sterilizing its own safety pin.

--Frank Zappa, The Real Frank Zappa Book

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

--Oscar Wilde

Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have is not permanent.

"Mine gods! Thou hast killed Kenneth! Ye bastards!"

--Polydorases (an acquaintance of mine)

There is no excellent beauty which hath not some strangeness in the proportion.

--Francis Bacon

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

--Dorothy Parker, "Resume"

After all, rock is dead...wonder if pop will follow, being a much more deserving candidate.

--thistle again

I looked for evidence of collusion between the tobacco industry and firearms manufacturers, but alas, I could find no 'smoking gun'.

 --Mike Turniansky

It's none of their damn business whether you believe in fairies, windigos, or the magical mystical return of a martyred guy that will teleport you to a nice place where you can say 'nyah nyah' to everyone you don't like because you've followed the instructions in some book that he didn't even write.

--Willow Polson

And even if your house is still there [after returning from travel], there's always the chance that your plumbing ... has developed a leak, which doesn't sound like a big deal until you consider that the Grand Canyon, for example, is basically the result of water damage.

--Dave Barry, Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need

Canadian whiskey is an oxymoron, unless you use 'whiskey' as a general term that includes industrial solvents.

--Polydorases again

"But you do, you have magic. Maybe you can't find it, but it's there! You have all the power you need, if you dare to look for it."

--Molly Grue, The Last Unicorn

Adults are obsolete children, and the hell with them.

--Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)

There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker.

--Charles Schulz

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.

--Martin Luther King, Jr.

By the time the culture produces Marilyn Manson, the big harm has long since been done.

--Glenn McDonald, The War Against Silence, "Heaven on Earth"

One cannot be a sorcerer all the time. How could one live?

--Pablo Picasso

If life gives you llamas, make llamanade.

--Dave Appleby

We have loved the stars too fondly
to be fearful of the night.

 --Inscription on the tombstone of a pair of astronomers

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.

 --Oscar Wilde

I am prepared to meet anyone, but whether anyone is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

 --Mark Twain

Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted.

--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

With McCain and Bradley out of the election, our two remaining choices are Canada and Mexico.

--Eric Spratling

My neighbor borrowed my snow shovel five years ago and never returned it. The other day he had a heart attack and died -- while shoveling snow. I sure hope my other neighbor who borrowed my chainsaw understands the ramifications.

--Brad Osberg

Microsoft Windows: A thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell to a sixteen bit patch to an eight bit operating system originally coded for a four bit microprocessor which was written by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition.

--from The Jargon File 4.2

I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough.

--Claire Sargent, on women candidates

This is a celebration of individual freedom, not of homosexuality. No government has the right to tell its citizens when or whom to love. The only queer people are those who don't love anybody.

--Rita Mae Brown at the Gay Olympics, 1982

I am a God-fearing man. In fact, I don't go to church because I'm afraid I'll run into him there.

--Matt Diamond

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

--Paul Dirac

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.

--Tom Stoppard

The worlds of magic and logic must exist side by side, not destroy each other.

--The Flight of Dragons

In real life, unlike in Shakespeare, the sweetness of the rose depends upon the name it bears. Things are not only what they are. They are, in very important respects, what they seem to be.

--Hubert H. Humphrey

Everywhere I go, a poet has been before me.

--Sigmund Freud

Live wrong and preposterously.

When I win that much money the first thing I'm gonna do is pay someone to change my pants - 'cause I just shit myself.

--Gord on if he were to win the lottery

"Oil prices have fallen lately. We include this news for the benefit of gas stations, which otherwise wouldn't learn of it for six months."

--Bill Tammeus in a Toronto newspaper

"This is when I realised the vital difference between lesbians and myself. I LIKE DICK."

--Andrea Spencer, uber.nu

A dragon is a big, reptilian critter that kicks your butt if you say it's not a dragon.

--Rasha

"Goodbye, cruel Internet."

--Gord, disconnecting

The future of civilization depends on our overcoming the meaninglessness and hopelessness that characterizes the thoughts of men today.

--Albert Schweitzer

What makes me tick? I don't know, but the noise is driving me nuts.

--Michael Hayward

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

--Lewis Mumford

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.

--Herb Caen

If Mozart had power tools, there's no telling how great his music might have been.

--Dave Barry

"Gravity is the soul of wt."

--John Langdon, "Wordplay"

"A pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward."

--the Jargon File 4.2 on computer programming

There is a pleasure sure, in being mad, which none but madmen know.

--John Dryden

Have patience! In time, even grass becomes milk.

--Charan Singh

The only thing I try to convince anyone of in the area of theology is their absolute moral obligation to Leave Me the Hell Alone.

--Gale, soc.religion.paganism

Justice - who determines that? Hell, we can't even agree on the simplest of truths, that we all bleed red!

--monalisa, visonary_shamanism

"This is America. People do whatever the fuck they feel like doing, you got a problem with that? Because they have a right to. And because they have guns and no one can fucking stop them."

--Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash

"Epistemology: Do we really know anything and, if so, what? And how do we know it? And how do we know that we know it? And how do we know that we know that we know it?"

--"Philosophy Made Simplistic" from Judy Jones and William Wilson, An Incomplete Education

"[Quarks] usually travel in threes and carry electrical charges that are multiples of 1/3… quarks pack a mean intellectual wallop. They imply that nature is three-sided, and that such dualist constructions as time/space, mind/body, and either/or miss the point."

--the same, "Out of the Cyclotron, into the Streets"

I've stopped giving people the benefit of the doubt and now charge for the service.

--Kitsune Gizensha

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.

--Rita Rudner

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

--Paul Rodriguez

"Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison, and the crime is how much we all hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while and admit the truth - that when you really look closely, people are so strange and so complicated that they're actually beautiful. Possibly even me."

--My So-Called Life

"I don't really care how time is reckoned so long as there is some agreement about it, but I object to being told that I am saving daylight when my reason tells me that I am doing nothing of the kind. I even object to the implication that I am wasting something valuable if I stay in bed after the sun has risen. As an admirer of moonlight I resent the bossy insistence of those who want to reduce my time for enjoying it. At the back of the Daylight Saving scheme I detect the bony, blue-fingered hand of Puritanism, eager to push people into bed earlier, and get them up earlier, to make them healthy, wealthy and wise in spite of themselves."

--Robertson Davies

On the back of my old VCR remote, there is a flip-switch. One side says "use". The other side says "learn". And thusly was I enlightened. Hail Eris.

--Eradea

"I want to be magic. I want to touch the heart of the world and make it smile. I want to be a friend of elves and live in a tree. Or under a hill. I want to marry a moonbeam and hear the stars sing. I don't want to pretend at magic anymore. I want to be magic."

--Toby Weye in Charles de Lint, Yarrow

"I'd take the awe of understanding over the awe of ignorance any day."

--Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

Machines will never be able to give the thinking process a model of thought itself, since machines are not mortal. What gives humans access to the symbolic domain of value and meaning is the fact that we die.

--Regis Debray

How clever of me. I have found such a pathway into hell that I can never get back out.

--Orson Scott Card

Prohibition goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes. A prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded.

--Abraham Lincoln

A man is called affected, nowadays, if he dresses as he likes to dress. But in doing that he is acting in a perfectly natural manner. Affectation, in such matters, consists in dressing according to the views of one's neighbour, whose views, as they are the views of the majority, will probably be extremely stupid.

 --Oscar Wilde

It is much cleverer to talk nonsense than to listen to it.

--Oscar Wilde

"Oh come on, Bill, they're the New Kids, don't pick on them, they're so good and they're so clean cut and they're such a good image for the children." Fuck that. When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking rocked.

 --Bill Hicks

Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.

You know the world is changing when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the USA of arrogance and the Germans don't want to go to war!

--someone commenting on the state of the world ca. March/April 2003

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

--Samuel Johnson

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

 --Mark Twain

LaForge: You ever think about getting married again?
Guinan: No, twenty-three was my limit.

 --Star Trek: Nemesis

Time is not your friend. It may treat you nicely, or it may act like a total bastard, but I swear in any event that it has plans to kill you.

--Alice Luxton

We were both gonna vote Green, just because the guy was named Luigi, and Luigi wears green, so we figured he deserved the vote of the Nintendo generation."

--Gord on his and Drew's (?) take on a contemporary Canadian election (10/03)

What we are doing to the forests of the world is but a mirror reflection of what we are doing to ourselves and to one another.

--Gandhi

"The old gods and their magics did not dwindle away into murky memories of brownies and little fairies more at home in a Disney cartoon; rather, they changed. The coming of Christ and Christians actually freed them. They were no longer bound to people's expectations but could now become anything that they could imagine themselves to be. They are still here, walking among us. We just don't recognize them anymore."

--Charles de Lint, "Ghosts of Wind and Shadow", in Dreams Underfoot

Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it's doing in the Maritimes.

--Tommy Douglas (former premier of Saskatchewan)

We are a people who seek to know everything about the stars except why they were once regarded as divine.

--Theodore Roszak

Government is not reason and it is not eloquence. It is force! Like fire it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master. Never for a moment should it be left to irresponsible action.

--George Washington

The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do.

--Thomas Jefferson

Boy, n: A noise with dirt on it.

--Mark Twain

If you want magic, let go of your armor. Magic is so much stronger than steel.

--Richard Bach

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny..."

--Isaac Asimov

The Sufis advise us to speak only after our words have managed to pass through three gates. At the first gate, we ask ourselves, "Are these words true?" If so, we let them pass on; if not, back they go. At the second gate, we ask, "Are they necessary?" At the last gate, we ask, "Are they kind?"

--Eknath Easwaran

The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use them.

--Philip K. Dick

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

--Ed Gardner

Television is the first truly democratic culture -- the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.

--Clive Barnes

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

--Dan Rather

"George Washington had a vision for this country. Was it three days of uninterrupted shopping?"

--Jeff Melvoin, Northern Exposure "Bolt from the Blue"

America is a country that doesn't know where it is going but is determined to set a speed record getting there.

--Laurence J. Peter

"Man, I'm amazing! I'm a machine that turns FOOD into IDEAS!"

--T-Rex, Dinosaur Comics

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