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If you don't know about The Arrogant Worms, you should. They're about the funniest thing I've ever seen come out of Toronto. They have this Highly Amusing song called "The Last Saskatchewan Pirate," which is about a farmer who loses his land and turns pirate on the Saskatchewan River. Apparently my brain couldn't resist starting to filk it as I flew back from Toronto in March of 2000.
For the California-impaired, the FTB is the Franchise Tax Board (the state tax collection agency), and the CHP is the California Highway Patrol (you know, like CHiPs).
I was working for the State - the benefits, you know
If you want any health care, it's the only way to go
But a turn-up in the government got me my severance pay
So much for my pension and my nice 401(k)
So I went looking for a job 'cause welfare is a curse
(Though working for the FTB has gotta be much worse)
I wanted back in with the State - those lucky little sots
I mean, come on, who wouldn't want the benefits they've got
Then I thought - who gives a damn if there's no work to be seen
I'm gonna be a PIRATE in the valley San Joaquin
Chorus:
And it's a heave, ho, hi, ho across the valley floor
Stealin' rice and rice and rice (there really ain't much more)
And it's a ho, hey, hi, hey, the Nut Tree to the hills
The Sacramento Valley's such a place for pirate thrills
All the Greenbelt farmers are a-shiver on the shores
When the Sacramento River brings me right up to their doors
The pickins are so easy on the river's Delta plains
That we're stem to stern in strawberries - who gives a damn for grains
The causeway out in Yolo spans a mighty swamp
I hide there in the darkness on my merry pirate romp
I ambush any farmer fools who dare to cross my path
And rob 'em blind at swordpoint while all me mateys laugh
(Chorus)
A sheriff's man was chasin' me way out by Folsom Lake
Keen of eye and swift of mind to stay upon our wake
He followed close, but in the end a lay-off set him back
So now he's in the crow's nest and we call him One-Eye Jack
There ain't no pirate anywhere that's cleverer than me
This [show middle finger] for all the Sac police and screw the CHP (screw 'em!)
The fuzz is always after me, the county's finest laddies
But how can you find anything out in the Davis paddies?
(Chorus)
The pirate life is mighty fine, you'll find it north and south
I met a ship of cutthroats down at the river's mouth
They roam the San Francisco Bay, they'll steal your every cent
I bet you always wondered where all the bridge toll went
Well summer is a-comin' and the heat is in the breeze
A Sacramento summer fit to melt a northern freeze
It's far too hot to pirate, so a-voyagin' I'll go
I hear there's lots of plundering up in Ontario...
(Chorus)
Ha-ha-har, dude.