Joe's Bar, Upper Sandusky, Ohio, Earth

You begin the game in this, er, fine establishment. The urge you feel is the urge to urinate. Pick one of the bathrooms (women northeast, men northwest); this will determine your character's sex for the game. Relieve yourself. Check out the smell. You don't need to take the stool. In a move or two, you'll be whisked away to…

For Your Amusement:
Don't go to the bathroom.
Buy a beer before relieving yourself.
Play as a man if you are a woman, or vice versa.
After selecting one bathroom, try entering the other.
Urinate somewhere other than in the toilet (e.g., the sink).
Flush the toilet.
Eat the pizza. Then vomit.

Phobos: the Prison Area

Smell the smell. Take everything. (The tray is a container; it's currently holding only the chocolate, but it can hold more.) Open the door and go south. Open the narrow cell door and go south again. The paper that's here provides a clue to a puzzle that this walkthrough simply tells you the answer to, so ignore it. Say hello to Trent/Tiffany (hereafter referred to as "T"), then ask xir to follow you. At some point, T will give you a matchbook and tell you about xir plan to defeat the Leather Goddesses. When xe does so, read the matchbook. The names of the items written on the matchbook in can be found in the "meaningless matrix of letters" on the paper from T's cell, which is actually a word search. Reading the remaining letters backwards spells a message, "hissing frightens flytraps". You can drop the matchbook. Go north, then up. Go north into the closet, smell the smell, and turn on the flashlight. Climb on T and get the wicker basket. Climb back down, put everything you're holding into the basket, and then stand on the circle in the corner of the closet.

For Your Amusement:
Knock on the door of T's cell before opening it.
Lead T into your own cell. (Try in all three naughtiness levels.)
Call Trent "Tiffany" (or vice versa).
Walk west in the Observation Room.
Jump off the prison roof.

Venus

Hiss to do away with the flytrap. (Alternate solution is to go to Cleveland first, collect the sack of leaves from the lawn and the trellis from the garden, and build a trap over the pit at Fork (of Sorts), two screens east of here.) Go west and get the ointment. Go east three times and get the stain. Go northeast from the clearing to the house, then east. Ignore the Vizicomm booth for now. Go north to the house's back door. Offer the salesman your flashlight. Get the machine. Open the machine, put the jar of ointment in it, then close it and turn it on. Open the machine again and voila, untangling cream has become "unangling" cream. Take the cream. Though the odd machine can be fun, you don't need it for anything else, so drop it.

For Your Amusement:
Get into the hole at Fork (of Sorts) while being chased by the flytrap. Try pushing T into the hole.
Get into the pit after trapping the flytrap there.
Ask T about the odd machine.
Use the tray in the odd machine, and then examine it.

Knock on the door. Go downstairs to the laboratory. Put the chocolate in the gorilla cage. Wait as the mad scientist straps you and T down to slabs and throws the switch. Once you are a gorilla, show some sexual interest in the other gorilla, and the mad scientist will leave. Get the chocolate, eat it, and then bend the bars of the cage. Get the hose, then get out of the cage. Drop the hose, untie yourself, and then throw the switch. Stand up and get the hose. Stand on the black circle. You appear in the Vizicomm booth. Turn the knob, look in the coin return box, and get the coin. Leave the booth and stand on the black circle at the cliff-top.

For Your Amusement:
While a gorilla: examine yourself; diagnose; examine the bodies on the slab; leave the Laboratory.
Whip someone with the rubber hose (not in TAME mode).

Mars: King Mitre's Castle and the Canal

Go south into the ruined castle. Put the unangling cream on the princess. Take the eighty-two-degree angle. Drop the cream (it's actually empty now). Go south, south, west, and northwest. Show the painting to the mouse. Take the mouse and put it in the basket. Drop the painting. Go south, east, and north three times. Enter the barge and have a look at the controls. Press the purple button to turn on the engines, then press the orange button to leave the dock. Press the orange button again so you will automatically dock at the next dock you pass. Wait until you arrive at Baby Dock. Go north and get the lip balm and coded message from the dead alien. Read the coded message. It is not only displacement-encoded but also reversed, and translates to "Your mission is to contact wife [husband] number ### of the Sultan[ess] and get the secret map. Identify yourself to her [him] by asking her [him] to kiss your kneecaps." Make a note of the number (make sure you've got it the proper way round). Drop the message. Return south, re-enter the barge, and press the orange button. Wait a turn before you press it again or you will immediately dock at Donald Dock. Wait until you've gone around the bend (you're playing an Infocom game, so that shouldn't take too long!), and you will dock at Now THIS is My Kind of Dock.

For Your Amusement:
Give something to King Mitre.
Put the unangling cream on the pile of angles, and on King Mitre.
Examine Princess Theta after unangling her.
Marry Princess Theta, both before and after unangling her.
Shake King Mitre's hand.
Click the mouse.
Smell the barge. Sink the barge.
Examine, awaken, put the lip balm on, and kiss the dead alien messenger.

Mars: The Sultan(ess)'s Palace

Leave the barge and go up the stairs to the east. Go east again to the Oriental Garden, then north into the Palace. Tell the Sultan(ess) you are ready (yes will suffice), then answer the riddle with say "riddle". Go west into the harem and ask for the husband/wife whose number you discovered in the message (you can just type the number, e.g. 153). Continue west into the harem. Smell the smell. Wait for the husband/wife you chose to arrive. Identify yourself to xir - ask [him/her] to kiss my kneecaps. Kiss xir or have sex if you like. Then get the map and torch. Save the game and go down into the catacombs.

For Your Amusement:
Wait instead of answering "yes" when the Sultan/Sultaness asks if you're ready for the riddle.
Wait instead of answering the riddle right away.
Show the dead alien's coded message to the Sultan/Sultaness.
Save in the Audience Chamber before answering the riddle.
Ask the harem guard for a different number than the correct number. Try several times.
Ask the harem guard for the same number twice in a row.
Address the wife/husband by a wrong number.
Thank the wife/husband after getting the torch and map.
Return from the Inner Harem to the Harem holding the map, after the wife/husband warns you not to do that.
Measure the Sultan's wife, and the Sultaness' husband (in all three naughtiness levels).
Make love to the wife/husband a second time (not in TAME mode).

According to the comic book that came with the game, there are three actions you must take at certain intervals to scare off various undesirable critters in the catacombs. In the Solid Gold release of the game, you can supposedly type $CATACOMB to skip the maze. In other releases, the following is one possible sequence of moves to get what you need from the catacombs and get out alive: NW. N. NE. E. CLAP. NE. NE. SE. HOP. CLAP. KWEEPA. D. NW. NE. CLAP. N. S. HOP. NE. CLAP. U. KWEEPA. NW. GET BOOK (this is the Cleveland phone book). CLAP. NW. HOP. S. SE. CLAP. SE. D. KWEEPA. NE. CLAP. HOP. W. E. W. CLAP. SW. SW. KWEEPA. HOP. CLAP. GET RAFT. N. NE. E. CLAP. NW. N. UP.

For Your Amusement:
Try to move around in the Catacombs without a light.
Read the Cleveland phone book.

You emerge in the Laundry Room. Drop the torch and map, get the clothespin, then exit to the north. Go west to the dock. Do not enter the barge this time. Read the purple button to make sure the engines are on, then press the orange button. The barge will sail off on its own. Meanwhile, go east twice to the Oriental Garden. Wait 8 more turns to give the barge time to reach the southern terminus of the canal, and then climb down the well. You will be transported to the royal barge, which is now at the Icy Dock. (If you don't do it this way, you pass through an ion beam as you sail down the canal, and will sicken and die from the radiation. So don't get smart!)

For Your Amusement:
Use the odd machine on the raft and then put the raft in the canal.
Deflate the raft. Try while it's in the water. Try while it's in the water, and you're in it.
Have sex with someone while irradiated from the ion beam.

Mars: the South Pole

Go south, then southeast. Read the sign the penguin is holding, then give him the coin, and get one marsmid in return. Go southeast again to the Gypsy camp. Enter the tent, get the baby, and wrap it in the blanket. Take everything out of the basket, then put the baby in it (you will need to juggle items a bit - don't drop the mouse!). Leave the tent, then go south to the South Pole. Read the sign, put the baby on the doorstep, and wait. After the matron takes the baby, open the door and enter the igloo. Get the cotton balls and leave. Go north, northwest, and west. Stand on the circle in the Allusion Room. Go west from Wattz-Upp Dock to the Oasis. Pour the stain on the white circle. Drop the can of stain. Stand on the now-black circle. AAAUGH!! NO!! YOU'RE IN…

For Your Amusement:
Talk to the robot baby.
Kiss or rock the robot baby while it's crying.
Suckle the robot baby (as both male and female).
Toss the robot baby into the canal.
Run the cotton balls through the odd machine, then examine them.
Use the odd machine on the rabbit.
Put the raft in the Oasis.

Cleveland (and a quick stop on Phobos)

Go south, get the sack, open it, and drop the leaves. Put your belongings in the sack. Go back north, then northeast. Go up to the second floor. Look out the window. A 1933 Ford with a loose headlight, eh? Get the sheet and rip it. Make a rope with the sheet. Tie the rope to the bed. Throw the rope out the window. Wait while T goes down to fetch the headlight. Wait one more turn while T miraculously survives death yet again. Get the headlight. Go downstairs and east into the garden. Roll up the sod to reveal a black circle, and stand on it. ("HELP!!! How can I get out of Cleveland?" "Millions ask this question daily.") We're back in the prison area, but we're only here shortly: we're headed back to Mars. Go up twice to the roof and stand on the black circle there.

Mars Again

Go east. My, what a cute frog! Wouldn't you like to kiss it? Go ahead, but put the pin on your nose, cotton balls in your ears, lip balm on your lips, and close your eyes first. Get the blender that's left behind, and remove the clothespin, lip balm and cotton balls. Go west, west, and northwest to Hickory and Dickory Dock. The raft is already inflated, so put it in the water and get in. Grab the southern dock you see on the eighth turn (it's Donald Dock). You automatically take the raft out of the water, so you can leave it here for now. Go south, east, and south to the Exit Shop. Give the coin to the shopkeeper. Search the dust. Open the tube. Get the circle. Drop the tube. (This circle is a portable exit, but as it leads to the end of the game, we're not going there just yet.) Go back to the canal, put the raft in the water, get in, and drift further downstream. In the canal location with the buoy, grab the dock - it's Wattz-Upp Dock.

For Your Amusement:
Touch the frog.
Ask T to kiss the frog.
Give the flexible black circle back to the proprietor.
Take or open the buoy.

Annoying One-Way Circles

You can now leave the raft behind. Go west to the Oasis and stand on the circle again. Oh Lord, stuck in Cleveland again. (Surely that's as bad as Lodi, right?) Go northeast and east to the circle in the Garden and stand on it. From the Hallway, go up, then north into the closet and stand on its circle. On Venus again, go west to the Spawning Ground and stand on the circle there - it's almost the only one we haven't been through yet. (The others are the one in the deserts of Mars near King Mitre's castle that we'll never use, and one in the spaceship we're about to be on that obviously we haven't seen yet.)

Spaceship, Near Saturn

Oh dear, did T get killed again? How fucking sad. Get the sword. Go south to the stable. Mount the stallion. Go west. Dismount. Get the suit and wear it. Open the hatch and go out. Smell the "foul odour." Attack Thorbast/Thorbala repeatedly. When you knock xir sword out of xir hands, grab it, and then give it back. Kill the monster, then untie the young man/woman. Go north into the Yacht. After getting the photograph, open the door and go east into the private cabin. Afterwards, go south twice to return to the hatch and meet up with T again. Get on the stallion and return to the stable. Dismount and go west three times. Stand on the circle. Now that you're somewhere with gravity again, you can use that flexible black circle! Drop it, then stand on it.

For Your Amusement:
Screw the stallion.
Go into space from the battleship without putting on the white suit.
Tell Elysium/Elysia to shut up while he/she is screaming.
Read the photo that Elysia/Elysium gives you.

Phobos: the Boudoir of the Leather Goddesses

Smell the smell, and fool around if you like. But soon, it's over, and the endgame is on. Hand T the items xe asks for, immediately as xe asks for them. There's no time to look, do inventory, or anything. On the very last turn there's one more smell to smell - and congratulations, you've defeated the vile (?) Leather Goddesses of Phobos!

For Your Amusement:
Kiss the Leather Goddess while T is also in the Boudoir (not in TAME mode).
Get fresh with the Leather Goddess in the Boudoir in TAME mode.
Get to the end of the Plaza scene without T present. (Be sure to get the stool in the bar. Don't fetch T at the start of the game. Skip the spaceship scene, since you can't enter it without being killed.)
Get to the end of the Plaza scene without giving all of the eight parts to T.

For Your Amusement at various times:
Ask various characters about the Leather Goddesses, such as Trent/Tiffany, the salesman, the mad scientist, Thorbast/Thorbala, Elysia/Elysium, King Mitre, Princess Theta, the Sultan/Sultaness, the wife/husband, the Exit Shop proprietor…
Put the blanket, sheet, or sack on your head.
Open your mouth.
Give an age less than 5 while trying to enter LEWD mode. Try an impossibly high age, like 200.
Use swear words in your inputs while in TAME mode.
Look with your eyes closed and with your hands over your eyes.
Look through something that isn't transparent.
Look inside your overalls, loincloth, or bikini. Measure yourself. (Try these in all three naughtiness modes.)
Touch, examine, or put something on one of the black circles.
Type CTRL-B and press Enter.

 

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