Earth, as Arthur

Turn on the light. Stand up. Get your dressing gown and put it on. Open the pocket and take the tablet of buffered analgesic (i.e., aspirin). Take the screwdriver and toothbrush. Go south onto your Front Porch and get the junk mail. Go south again to Front of House and take bleary-eyed notice of the bulldozer.


Lie down in the mud to stop the bulldozer's progress. Wait three turns while the bulldozer approaches and finally stops. When Ford Prefect shows up, don't take his offered towel. Say Ford, what about my home. Wait one more turn while they are "deeply engrossed in conversation" and Ford persuades Prosser to switch places with you in the mud.

After you stand up, head south and then west down the lane to the Pub. Wait. When Ford buys beer, drink the beer three times (+5, +5, +5 = 25), and buy a cheese sandwich. If you haven't already, soon you will hear your house being knocked down. Go east out of the pub, give the sandwich to the dog, then go north to what's left of your house. If you like, spend a couple of turns taking it out on Prosser (yell at him, hit him, etc.). Soon a Vogon Constructor Fleet will arrive to do to Earth what Prosser just did to your house.

Wait. Pick up the "small black device" that Ford drops. Examine it - it's an Electronic Thumb, which lets you try to flag down a ride on any passing spaceships. Press the green button to hitch a ride aboard one of the conveniently located Vogon ships.

For Your Amusement:
Look under your bed.
Phone home from your bedroom (do this quickly, before the phone line is knocked down).
Hit Prosser (before your house is demolished).
Enjoy the mud when you're lying in front of the bulldozer.
Ask Prosser for the time.
Take the towel that Ford offers you.
Get drunk in the pub.
Try to buy peanuts.
Listen to the jukebox music several times.
Pet or kick the dog.
Hit Prosser (again, after your house is demolished).
Enjoy my house after it's been demolished.
Ask Prosser, what about my home? after it's been demolished (but before the Vogons arrive).
Give the thing your aunt gave you to Prosser.
Talk to Prosser after the Vogon fleet has arrived.

The Vogon Hold

Wait four turns. Look closely at the room descriptions. Have you noticed a sense is now missing from the list of things you can't perceive? Smell the dark, and notice that something is "being waved" under your nose. Examine the shadow. Eat the peanuts that Ford gives you.

The next order of business is to get a Babel fish into your ear. (Yeah, you heard me.) Examine the dispensing machine. Remove your gown and hang it on the hook. Wait one turn for Ford to fall asleep. Take the towel and satchel. Put the towel over the grate in the floor. Put the satchel in front of the dispenser's "robot panel". Put the junk mail on the satchel. Press the dispenser button. (Insert Rube Goldberg sequence here.) Squish!

Examine the case that holds the atomic vector plotter. Flip the switch, and make a note of the word and verse of the password to open the case. Wait four turns until some Vogon guards come to drag you to the poetry reading. Wait four more turns. Once the Captain begins ("Oh freddled gruntbuggly..."), enjoy the poetry. Wait. Pay close attention to get the password for the vector plotter case. Wait.

When you are returned at last to the Vogon Hold, type the password on the keyboard, enclosed in quotes (e.g. type "wimbgunts"). Get the atomic vector plotter and your gown and towel. Wait a couple of turns. You will be rudely hustled into the airlock. Examine the Thumb and you will see blinkenlights. (Alles lookenspeepers!) Press the green button to hitch a ride aboard a spaceship whose occupants are not about to violently eject you into space.

For Your Amusement:
Don't eat the peanuts in the Vogon Hold, and wait four turns.
Ask Ford, what about the Earth.
Enjoy the Vogon poetry without the Babel fish: eat the peanuts, then wait 25 turns.
Count the guards, both at the poetry reading and in the hold.
Talk to the Vogon captain.

The Heart of Gold

Wait four turns until "hearing" disappears, then listen to the Dark. Try to go port four times, and the game will tell you the exit is actually aft, so go aft to Entry Bay Number Two. Read the brochure. You will follow Ford to the ship's Bridge. Wait.

After Zaphod, Ford and Trillian all wander off into the sauna, take a moment to examine your inventory. Notice that the "thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is", which rolled away from you back on Earth, has at some point reappeared. This curious "thing" follows you around and will always reappear in your inventory a short while later if you drop it. Also the thing's capacity is very large, maybe even unlimited; I recommend putting everything you have into it whenever you can. Do so now. Get the molecular hyperwave pincer that is here and put it in the thing too.

Go down the gangway into Corridor, Fore End. Go port to the Galley and touch the pad on the Nutrimat. Get the cup of Advanced Tea Substitute and return starboard (which can be abbreviated to sb) to Corridor, Fore End. Go aft to Corridor, Aft End, then try to go aft again. Answer yes twice when the game asks you if you really want to go in there, then go aft again. Answer no when asked to reconsider.

In the Engine Room, look twice to get the description of the room. Drop the thing. Get the rasp and pliers and put them in the thing. Take the Improbability Drive. Go fore twice and up to the Bridge. Drop the drive, the cup of ATS and the atomic vector plotter. (If you're told you don't have all those things, wait a turn or two for the thing to catch up to you from dropping it in the drive room.) Put the small plug on the drive into the small receptacle on the plotter. Put the long, dangly bit of the plotter (you can refer to it just as "bit") in the cup. Turn on the Improbability Drive and you will find yourself in the Dark.

For Your Amusement:
Yell in the Dark.
Wait about 60 turns in the Dark to see the hints you get.

Regarding the Dark

When you involuntarily enter the Dark at the end of a scene, you can only exit by waiting four turns, then hearing the dark (the hum will always be "far above") and going aft to the Entry Bay of the Heart of Gold. But when you go into the Dark to start a scene, from this point forward that is always done by turning on the Improbability Drive. The exit from there is determined by which sense goes missing and in which of two ways the thing you finally perceive is described. We've already been to one smell exit ("being waved" went to the Vogon Hold) and one hearing exit ("above you" goes to the Heart of Gold).

At the moment, because you're using Advanced Tea Substitute, you have limited control over the Dark: you are not missing a sense until you've waited four turns, which one it is is random, and waiting further will not change it. Once you have real tea at the, er, helm in a little while, you can easily control the exit you take from the Dark: a sense will disappear on the very first turn and the missing sense changes every turn you wait. You can then wait for the sense you want, and if it doesn't give you the exit you need, just wait until it comes around again.

Traal (smell, "waving")

Smell the dark, and examine the shadow. Hello, Lair; looks like a Bugblatter Beast in the vicinity is very ravenous indeed! Since it's demanding your name, say my name. Head east to the Beast's Outer Lair and have a quick look at the memorial. Get a sharp stone. Put the towel on your head, then quickly carve my name on the memorial. The Beast, seeing this and reckoning it must have eaten you already ("Daft as a brush, but very very ravenous"), will then go to sleep.

Remove the towel. Drop the stone. Go west and southwest to the Inner Lair and get the interface for the Nutrimat. Wait, and you will have an encounter with some Fronurbdian Beasthunters. You will then find yourself back in the Dark. Wait four turns, hear the dark, and go aft, aft, and up to the Bridge.

For Your Amusement:
Say something other than your name when the Beast asks for it.
Say your name with the towel over your eyes.
Carve name on memorial (rather than "carve my name on memorial"), and carve one of the names suggested.
Carve the Beast's name on the memorial.
Read the memorial after carving your name.
Show the thing your aunt gave you to the Beast.
Wake the sleeping Beast.

The Missile Attack

(You can do this section any time you're on the Heart of Gold after having been to Traal and gotten the interface, although it's a good idea to do it as soon as you can because it gets you real tea.)

From the Bridge, go down and port to the Galley (or aft and port from Entry Bay #2). Open the service panel on the Nutrimat and take out the circuit board that's there. Insert the interface in the Nutrimat and close the panel again. Touch the pad and it will go to work trying to make tea for you. ("...With milk? ...Squirted out of a cow?")

Go back starboard and up to the Bridge. Put the large plug in the large receptacle. Wait a few turns. Panic as a missile attack starts, and turn on the drive. In a brilliant tactical maneuver, the oncoming missiles will be transformed into a whale.

Return down and port to the Galley and get the tea that the Nutrimat has produced. (Notice that this forces you to drop the "no tea".) Take it starboard and up to the Bridge. Drop the tea (and notice that you take the "no tea"). Wait until you are informed that you have landed on Magrathea. Transfer the long, dangly bit into the tea: remove bit then put bit in tea. Turn on the drive and you'll find yourself back in the Dark - and now able to have fine control over the exit as described above.

Until you are using tea you will not get the whale-innards exit, but other than that the following scenes are self-contained and can be done in any order.

For Your Amusement:
Open the hatch before landing on Magrathea.
Read the tiny message on the circuit board with the magnifying glass (from Damogran).
Smash the circuit board.
Plug the drive into the control panel and turn it on before the missile attack.
Turn on the spare drive during the missile attack without first plugging it into the control panel (large plugs).
Ask Eddie to open the hatch both before and after the ship has landed. (must be done from the Bridge)

Earth, as Trillian (touch, "cold")

Touch the Dark, and drink the liquid. In this scene you're at the Islington party where Trillian hooked up with Zaphod in the first place. Examine Arthur. Drop the wine, and get the fluff from his jacket. Open your bag, put in the fluff, and then pick up the wine again. Now that you have the fluff, you can just wait while Arthur bores you until Phil comes and picks you up , and you'll be left in the Dark again. Wait four turns, hear the Dark, and go aft, aft, and up to the Bridge. Open the handbag and get the tweezers and fluff.

For Your Amusement:
Drink the wine.
Eat the hors d'oeuvres several times.
Throw the glass of wine or the plate of hors d'oeuvres.
Count the hors d'oeuvres.
Pick up Arthur or Phil.

The Whale (touch, "warm")

Before turning on the Drive to attempt this exit, make sure all your possessions are in the thing your aunt gave you. Touch the Dark, and drink the liquid. Get the flowerpot and put it in the thing.

There are two ways out of the whale: you can either wait until you are splattered against the surface of Magrathea and are returned to the Dark (which will destroy any items you were carrying that were not in the thing your aunt gave you), or you can hitch a ride on the Heart of Gold that is outside (remember that this whale came from missiles that were trained on the ship?). But the Thumb isn't working, although you won't likely have noticed this. So if you don't want to just wait, press the red button on the Thumb. When the robot arrives, give the Thumb to the robot. Wait one turn. Show the warranty to the robot. Press the green button.

Once out of the whale and back in the Dark, wait four turns, hear the Dark, and go aft, aft, and up to the Bridge.

Damogran, as Zaphod (sight, "back")

See the Dark, and examine the light. In this scene you are Zaphod Beeblebrox, President of the Galaxy and all-around hell-of-a-guy. ("If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now!")

Look under the seat and you will automatically get the fluff and key. Unlock the box with the key and get the magnifying glass and wrench. Push the autopilot button. To make it take over from you, present it with some danger to avoid: steer towards the rocky spire. Wait a few turns, and the autopilot will take over and steer you to the dais.

Stand up and get out of the boat. Wave at the crowd. Wait for Trillian to show up and threaten to shoot you. Tell the guards to drop their rifles, then tell Trillian to shoot the pile of rifles. Go into the Heart of Gold , and you will be back in the Dark. Wait four turns, hear the Dark, and go aft, aft, aft, and down to the Hatchway. Get the fluff and tools that you dropped here as Zaphod. (If "your load is too heavy", drop the thing, then get the tools and put them in it.) Go up, fore, and up to the Bridge.

For Your Amusement:
Jump into the water from the Presidential Speedboat.
Throw something into the water from the boat.
After telling the guards to drop their rifles, take the blaster from Trillian and shoot the crowd, the guards, Trillian, yourself, and the toolbox.
Order guards, shoot both before and after they've dropped their rifles.
Count the guards and the crowd.

Earth, as Ford (sight, "front")

See the Dark, and examine the light. This scene should be awfully familiar to you: you're now Ford, doing the things Ford did at the start of the game when you were Arthur. (By the way, if for some reason you neglected to throw the cheese sandwich to the dog before, you have another chance to do so now.)

Go north towards Arthur's house. Open your satchel and get the fluff and towel. Offer the towel to Arthur. (When the game prompts you "You feel like a complete... what's the word?" you can answer idiot if you like.) Walk around the bulldozer and you will talk to Prosser. Ask him to lie in the mud, and he will do so.

G south and west to the pub; Arthur will follow you. Buy beer and peanuts. Drink the beer; repeat. (+5, +5, +5 = 200) Arthur will hear his house being demolished and dash up the lane to investigate. Follow him (east, north), and give him the fluff. Since he's intoxicated, he'll think nothing of this strange act. Wait.

In a few turns, the Vogons will arrive to destroy Earth. You'll drop the Thumb, as Ford did in the beginning of the game, and then it will be Dark again. Wait four turns, hear the Dark, and return aft, aft, and up to the bridge. If you do an inventory, you will see that your dressing gown now contains the satchel fluff you gave to Arthur as Ford.

For Your Amusement:
Go straight to the Pub instead of giving Arthur the towel, and then wait a few turns.
Talk to the bulldozer driver.
Give the towel and satchel to Prosser.
Drink the Santraginean Mineral Water that's in your satchel.
When the game is prompting you to say "idiot", say moron instead.
Listen to the jukebox music several times.
Eat the cheese sandwich.
Feed peanuts to the dog.

War Chamber and Maze (hearing, "below")

Hear the Dark, and go aft. Get the awl, then just wait until you arrive in the Maze. This maze (whose room descriptions may amuse players of Zork I) is actually inside your own brain. There's no pattern here; just wander around in any directions you like until you see a "large black particle". This particle is your common sense. Take it and you will once more be returned to the Dark. Wait four turns, hear the dark, and go aft, aft, and up to the Bridge.

For Your Amusement:
Examine the approaching star system - especially the third planet - from the War Chamber of the battle fleet.
Talk to the Vl'Hurg leader or G'Gugvunt leader.
Drop something in the Maze and then walk around once you've gotten out.

Heart of Gold last time, and Magrathea

(This section begins after you have been to all the scenes above.)

Remove the long, dangly bit from the cup of tea and take the tea. Then, take the "no tea" that you dropped when you got the tea -- which will now not force you to drop the tea in turn, since you've removed your common sense, the thing that was telling you that it's silly to have "tea" and "no tea" at the same time. Have a look at your inventory: tea, and no tea. Well, well, well!

Have you noticed, too, that you have four different kinds of fluff -- seat cushion, jacket, satchel, and pocket? Plant them all in the flowerpot. Wait three or four turns until it sprouts, then go port into the sauna. Look at the plant. Get the fruit.

Go down and aft to Corridor, Aft End. Try to go port and you will be told the "screening door" is closed, so open it. Since you are intelligent enough to have both tea and no tea, it will open for you. Drink the tea , then go port into Marvin's Pantry.

Get the chisel. If you needed to drop the thing to take the chisel, wait and check your inventory until you're sure you have the thing. Say Marvin, open the hatch. Go starboard and down to the Hatchway. Eat the fruit. You can only carry one item (other than wearing your gown) into the Access Space, so drop everything but the tool you saw yourself giving to Marvin.

Go starboard again into the Access Space. Wait. Marvin will show up. Wait one more turn, then give him the tool when he asks for it. (+25 = 400/400) Return port, then go down onto Magrathea. Congratulations, Earthman!

For Your Amusement:
Kick the screening door, then enter Marvin's Pantry.
Close the screening door once you've opened it.
Don't go to the Access Space after asking Marvin to open the hatch.

For Your Amusement at various times:
Close the thing your aunt gave you.
Wrap the towel around your head elsewhere than Traal.
Push the red button on the Thumb when an Engineer robot is already present.
Brush your teeth with the toothbrush.
Return to various scenes after you've successfully completed them (such as after stealing the Heart of Gold on Damogran, or getting the interface from Traal).
Answer the game's various rhetorical questions, such as "Did you have a particular direction in mind?" with yes or no answers.
Ask various characters about the object of the game, especially Prosser, Ford, Marvin, Eddie, the Nutrimat, the screening door, and the Beast.
Try these commands: panic; don't panic; don't look; don't wait; don't anything else; give up; throw in the towel; pull myself together; escape; applaud (other than during the poetry reading); appreciate something; fill something; I am Arthur [Dent] when no one is asking.

Entries in the Hitchhiker's Guide: alcohol, atomic vector plotter, Babel fish, Brownian motion, Damogran, Earth, fluff, France, Galactic Security Agency, Galaxia Woonbeam, Genuine People Personalities, green button, Heart of Gold, Hitchhiker's Guide, Improbability Drives, Infocom, intelligence, large plug, long dangly bit, Magrathea, matter transference beams, Nutrimat, Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses, protein, Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, red button, Santraginean Mineral Water, Sirius Cybernetics Corporation, small plug, small receptacle, space, Thumb, towel, Vogon poetry, Vogons, walking, various tools, various weapons.


For further entertainment, you may be interested in these lists of bugs in Hitchhiker's Guide: Nathan Simpson external link, Graeme Cree external link, XyzzyNews external link


Take tablet10
Drink beer three times (as Arthur)15
Arrive in the Vogon Hold8
Get a Babel fish in your ear12
Enjoy Vogon poetry15
Type correct password25
Enter the Engine Room25
Get Nutrimat interface25
Leave Earth with "Phil" (as Trillian)25
Enter the Heart of Gold (as Zaphod)25
Drink beer three times (as Ford)15
Remove your common sense25
Grow plant in sauna25
Drink tea100
Enter Marvin's Pantry25
Give correct tool to Marvin25

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last updated 9/25/2020